I Think I'm Ready

“It’s time to say goobye Khristi.”

Those words continue to haunt me even today- two months after you left us. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye means never again. Goodbye means an eternal ending. And goodbye means hello. I couldn’t say goodbye. That would mean that I would need to wake up the next morning to say hello to the new reality that you are no longer with us. Hello to the reality that I will never see you again. Hello to the reality that death is more real than we are. Hello to new responsibility; to new ministry. I couldn’t say goodbye, because I did not want to say hello. What could all of this possibly mean? What does it mean for someone to be here one minute and then gone the next? What does it mean for the people that are left here to wonder? Perhaps we will never know the answers. Perhaps our questions are our answers. I’m going to keep asking questions- because I’m determined to have the faith it takes to believe that the answers are there- and I’ll get them- some way- somehow. Maybe they won’t come in a book or perhaps the preacher won’t preach it on Sunday morning. But I’ll know there will be rest in my soul. We do miss you though. Everyone’s kinda moving on in their own way. Dealing with it in their own way. Some are not dealing with it at all. Some of them still have yet to say goodbye and they don’t even realize it. Unable to function without their leader. Wanting to continue the legacy. Wanting to take the mantle to become leaders themselves. Not wanting to first face the reality that the mantle may not be theirs to carry. That there’s the possibility that all they may have to carry, is a memory. There’s the tragedy: that we cannot force you to live through us. That no matter how many r.i.p. t-shirts and posters we may make, no matter how many times we visit your grave, no matter how many times we throw you a benefit concert- you are not here-and you’re not coming back. And that’s what I want to deal with head on Pastor. I want to face that reality, before I move forward.

I’m finally ready to say goodbye. It took two months, but I think I can do it…………………………… Goodbye Pastor Tye.

“Good mourning optimism. Good mourning to my faith.

Good mourning to the beginning of a brand new day.

I know that God's will be done, so I lay down my pain and I'm moving on.

I know that God's will be done.

So it's a good mourning after all”