Hi.

Hi. My name is Khristi.
I’m afraid of failing.
I’m trying to hide. From me.
I can’t sleep at night. Because I’m anxious about tomorrow.
But I can’t wait to get to the next day.
I fear losing control of the situation. The situation almost always controls me.
I love the impossible. I’m falling in love with the impossible.
I am so nice, but I am so mean.
Today I’m still a virgin. Tomorrow I’m not sure. I’m way too impulsive.
I’m still getting back at people that hurt me a long time ago.
Though I thought I was over it.
One of my biggest fears is that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I can’t imagine life without my mom. Please never let me have life without my mom!
I overreact.
I’m competing against myself.
I’m winning.
I’m losing.
I escape into my imagination. And sometimes I don’t come back.
I really love God.
My prayer life is inconsistent.
I’m alone. Enjoying the peace. Missing the company.

I've Never Seen You in Heels?

My whole attitude of “nobody’s around and I aint doin nothin’ so I can look like a bum” has really got to stop as it is really getting out of control and tarnishing the well-put- together image and perception that I have of myself and thus, expect others to hold of me as well. Recently, when I decide to “dress-up” as others like to put it (yet in my eyes I’m looking quite normal for Khristi) I have gotten way too many suspicious comments like, “Wow, look at you all dressed up” and “I’ve never seen you in heels”. Whaaat? You’ve never seen me in heels? There was a time in my life when I never wore a flat. (not that there’s anything wrong with that) These suspicious comments are suspicious to me for the very reason that the words behind the words suggest that it is out of character for me to look this way. Hmmmm. Maybe it is as I sit in Starbucks with my way too big t-shirt and my way too big jeans with a fever blister on my bottom lip that threatens to take over my entire face. It’s time for some good ole fashion rummaging through the closet, a trip to #@$^%$ and ^#%%$^ (my secret village) for some last minute recovery maintenance. Ahhhhh, Starbucks. My sanctuary of self-reflection.

Do You Remember?

Do you remember when we first met at St. Peter’s orientation and I came up to you and asked you if you knew Ebonee? Do you remember when you got mad at me and didn’t speak to me for weeks because I didn’t remember to bring you my note cards? Do you remember singing God is In Control in front of the whole school with like, four people, and we thought we were cool until we realized that everybody thought we looked like idiots? Do you remember when we thought Mr. Dunn was Jesus? Do you remember when you ran for president, won and then left the school? Do you remember when we went to the prom and we thought that for one day we were invincible? Do you remember that day Vacation Bible School spilled over to the hotel and we worshipped God till 3 o’clock in the morning? Remember the next day we had to work and how we fell asleep outside the job and left the kids outside waiting? (The Kids!) Do you remember coming to see me at Temple? Remember how you threatened Hakim to leave me alone and we’ve never spoken since? Remember Whitney Houston’s voiceover’s in Waiting to Exhale? Do you remember “you are so amazing unbelievable baby, it’s you that makes me smile when everything is crazy?” Do you remember when all of that went away and we grew up? Do you remember when I loved you and you hated me…or….when You loved me and I hated you? I do. Do you? I hope so. Because it seems as though that’s all we have left.