The Adventures of the Black Girl in Her Search for God

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

He Can Be My Cinderella-ella-ella-ey-ey-ey

I swear at least three different versions of Cinderella were on tv today. My observation though was quite different than what one would expect. How can one resist pointing out the obvious romanticized, patriarchal, racist and every other ism that these children’s films embody? However, that’s not why I write. I chose to watch one of the three versions of Cinderella; one that I thoroughly enjoy called, “Happily Ever After” (i think)….well Drew Barrymore’s in it. Tastefully stays true to the actual story but highlights Danielle’s (Cinderella) indigent socio-economic situation-though in spite of this, she remains both feisty and opinionated. When word of her economic status reaches the prince’s ears, he shuns her. They’re too different-from two different worlds. He is a prince and she is a peasant. But he comes to realize that she is his soul mate no matter what her background. He rides in on his horse wearing his crown and prince’s attire just to find Danielle working, a muddy face and ripped up clothes.
“I believe this belongs to you.”
He slides the diamond studded shoe over her holey stockings over her foot.
And they lived happily ever after.
I’m thinking to myself, “What if the tables were turned? Would this story be as cute?” If she were the princess and he were the peasant, would we reward Princess Cinderella for her ability to overlook that one non-important factor of one's socio-economic position? Or. Would we talk about her? I’d talk about her. It’d be my natural response. “Girl what’s wrong with you? What’s love got to do with it when he can’t support you? You are a princess. You have a trust fund. An entire kingdom awaiting you. Let him gooooo.” Well, I may not say that, but I’d think it. What’s that percentage again that you’re always quoting Ashlee? 44% of Black women with educations and/or successful careers are single? In many relationships women have taken on these messianic dispositions feeling this need to “save”- replacing the word as “helping”. Not just financially, but many times “saving” by being the emotional initiator. Hoping their prayers will “save” the non-spiritual. Sounds sad and it is in fact, a problem- but in many cases it’s true. On one hand we fancy the idea of a big, strong prince whisking us away. On the other hand, if the tables were turned we’d take a pass and settle for the “what if?” daydreams. Now granted, there are many, many men out there who are more than well off and don’t fall into this category…and about 10% of them are straight and not taken…so this doesn’t apply to them. But why can’t men have their own Cinderella stories without falling into the dead beat, lazy, uneducated brotha stereotype?

posted by Khristi Lauren at 6:11 PM

15 Comments:

  • im right there witcha girl.... i would talk about her and talk about her and talk about her. But then again, maybe I would be jealous to an extent. I mean afterall.. she would have a man compared to my singlehood. Hmm... which one is better? Single yet holding onto my standards? Or bending down low enough "just to have a man in the house"?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:54 PM  

  • I guess on the personal side, I am a bit of an idealist. In the past I have not looked for a guy with a lucrative future who can "support" me or "hold his own". But recently I am beginning to see that a man with a plan and one who can take care of himself and the people around him is also a man with other desirable personality traits. Sometimes successful men can be total cocky jerks, but then they may also be better able to committ to you and better able to stick with you rather than just float through life like nothing is ever required of them....


    On a non-personal note, how strange that in our society where so much is changing and where the role of women has shifted to where we demand power in so many arenas, we still grapple with the fantasy of wanting to be rescued. There are still separate "girls toys" and "boys toys" sections of the store. We still love the idea of someone coming in and seeing us for the princesses we really are. Why don't men want this? I think they have been socialized a bit better (or worse?) to provide all that for themselves. To be the first to give themselves what they need and want for better or worse. I think that may be why there are less men in churches....less understanding of the need to be saved from sin, life and the war with ourselves.

    By Blogger Jessie, at 8:16 PM  

  • The Journal of Blacks in Higher Education's spring issue noted that women earned 67 percent of bachelor's degrees awarded to blacks. Women earned 69 percent of master's degrees and 66 percent of doctoral degrees awarded to blacks. They earned 58 percent of all professional degrees awarded to blacks, according to the U.S. Department of Education's National Research Council.

    Now that's crazy. This type of phenomenon is hurting the chances of the black woman to find a "prince charming" if we hold him up in the eyes of traditional standards. By the looks of it, it would seem like the "prince charming" figure is far and few in between.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:31 PM  

  • Could yesterday's Prince charming be today's Princess charming?

    By Blogger Khristi Lauren, at 9:05 PM  

  • Understanding the need to marry someone that is able to take care of you, I would ask what does taking care of another mean? Is it soley based on finances or have we gone beyond portfolios and gotten back to what people did before which was to build together? I married a man with great vision and purpose in life, but he was not rich by any means. Not the way in which the world would view it. But his ability to take care of me rested on his ability to love and seek God in all things. I believe that as we as women continue to climb corporate ladders andreach for education, we must understand that it does not negate the fact that a good man may not make 6 figures, but a good man is one who is stable and seeks to provide by any means necessary. So the question is this; if we are settling then why? I do not believe that making more money than a man is a problem. What is, is taking care of someone that is bringing nothing to the table because you want love. I think we must first be truthful about where we are as individuals and deal with our insecurities as women. The need to control is because one is truly out of control within themselves. So why are we hungry to dominate and not submit? Why does the story change if it were a woman? Why would we condemn her for the very thing we desire a man to do for us. Being rescued is not what we should be looking for, but to be loved unconditionally so that in return we can love another the same. These are just my thoughts.

    By Blogger Kai Husbands, at 4:49 AM  

  • There’s this guy. Let’s call him Rae-Rae. I just luuuuuuuuuv Rae-Rae. I’m not in love with him. But I just love him. Rae-Rae has been in college, trying to complete his bachelor’s degree for the past 6 years. To no fault of his own, he has been in and out. When he’s not taking care of his son, Rae-Rae is a security guard and bouncer at a local club to make money. He is also an aspiring rap artist and spends a great deal of time in the studio on the weekends. Yeah and he loves God too…goes to church from time to time. Rae-Rae and I get along quite well. He calls me bougy and I call him a thug, nevertheless we have a good time together. Our different lifestyles makes the idea of a “real” relationship challenging. Hence the chemistry, but the hesitation. We’ve decided that it doesn’t matter how we feel, it just won’t work.

    Now, your fairytale story was cute, but can you honestly say the same about mine? Could your situation be anything but merely subjective? Can any of you, who know me, honestly say, in spite of your attempts to be open-minded and reasonable, would not cringe at the first hearing of my story..or do you suggest I give Rae-Rae a call?????
    I think more than anything, we need to be honest about our double standard.

    By Blogger Khristi Lauren, at 10:48 AM  

  • Wow...such riveting conversation, do forgive the intrusion...

    but first i should admit up front that it would be rather foolhardy i believe for even the bravest male soul to enter alone into such a potentially tumultuous dialogue with those such quick-witted sisters as yourselves...now of course, i always have an opinion but here i'll just abbreviate my purpose here and do two things:

    1.) give a "shout out" to Khristi Lauren just love the way you think...

    2.) and in short to just say it in a non-protractred way--uh, uh...you and "Rae-Rae," in the long run, ain't gon' work...

    that is not without at least one, if not both of you, sacrificing that mutual personal fulfillment so important in these unions...

    this is not to say "Mr. Cinderella" won't work, but in these cases the "princess" would likely have gotten entangled long before she came into the realization of her kingdom...

    wow...this is dangerous...so i'm out..

    CVT

    By Blogger Cleve Tinsley IV, at 11:33 AM  

  • Ok...lets be real about the Rae Rae situation. For me it is not what he is or is not doing now, but what he would be willing to do if he wanted to really be in a committed relationship with you. The question is do you really love Rae Rae? Or do you love the idea of him? (This question I pose more for affect than directly to you as you have made clear that there is no future). The truth is of course people who love you will always have something to say. If I took peoples advice I would not have married my husband because of his physical condition. But I accepted who and where he was because I knew what was in him and I knew that he would take care of me to the best of his ability. I think to say things are subjective.. you may be right but the realities of what it takes in a marriage are more than just what a man makes but what you may have to give up in order to make each other feel secure in the relationship. But hear me when I say that the Mr. Cinderella may not work, but to say for sure...that would be wrong.

    By Blogger Kai Husbands, at 12:13 PM  

  • No. I’m not in love. I like him. That’s all- hasn’t gone beyond that and for good reason I might add. But it’s not about people’s opinions- although those closest to you are quite reasonably opinionated. And in your case, “taking care of me to the best of his ability” is a wonderful notion! On the other hand you have to be realistic- your situation is clearly an exception…clearly an exception. (-: But yes I agree. Sometimes Mr. Cinderella’s work- sometimes they don’t. Sometimes Mrs. Cinderella’s work and sometimes they don’t. But in our society, Mrs. Cinderella’s work more than Mr. Cinderella’s. And I’m not just talking about finances here! I want to explore why. Why do we react that way? Is it okay to react that way? Well, I’ve said enough. Oh yeah, shoutout to you too Cleve! You’re the best!

    By Blogger Khristi Lauren, at 12:37 PM  

  • Exception...mmmm. Why? I think that you knowing me makes me an exception. But outside of that do you think that maybe the reaction of most women would be because of the various 'so called' standards are families, society and friends have sed? Or could it be simply that maybe some of us women are just that shallow? I think that you have to be real with yourself as an individual and say what you can handle and what you can not regardless of money. But the truth is money is the first place that most women go. The reason I brought up Tye's physical condition was to say that my fairytale as a young girl did not consist of seeing a husband who might have been sick, but the prince that we all have seen. But when you get older and you begin to understand need vs. wants and consider what makes on happy then things do not look as clouded. So tell me why you think that many would talk about this type of woman... and dont try and attack me..LOL

    By Blogger Kai Husbands, at 2:26 PM  

  • oh i see. i want to hear other people's opinions about why. i've said what i believe already. we've been socialized this way. we're taught that the man takes care of the woman. the prince rescues the princess is in our children's cartoons and romance novels and tv dramas. we even read a male-dominated bible and can't possibly ignore the "adam's rib leave-and-cleave" theology. it's everywhere. that's why. does that make it wrong? i don't know. does that make the woman wrong for wanting to feel that way? i don't know. does it make me wrong for wanting to feel that way? i hope not. i'm not talking who makes more money.i'm talking the harsh reality of two completley different lifestyles. i'm talking, whoever makes more or less, who takes on the responsibility of the provider? of course it's you for me and me for you- you and i do or die. that's wonderful. but most women want a provider. hence why i'm asking others.

    By Blogger Khristi Lauren, at 5:39 PM  

  • All my comments have really been for anyone...thats how I really was starting off. But I hear you and do I think the thought or concept is wrong..I don't know either. The truth is that each person will have to make up in their mind what works for them and what does not. I pray that in our quest for individual satifaction that we all choose right, for ourselves.

    By Blogger Kai Husbands, at 5:52 PM  

  • I hear ya sista!

    By Blogger Khristi Lauren, at 5:55 PM  

  • ------And Now For A Word From Your Not-So-Local Religious Zealot------

    Ahem... (boy my job is getting harder these days)

    The major problem with this entire conversation is that it assumes that there is no difference between a man and a woman. (stop throwing stuff! Ladies relax, you will probably agree with what I say. Ouch! Please!!!)

    Ok. Let me say, women are the most precious part of God's creation. No if's ands or buts about it.

    The word of God, states that God designed Eve as a Helper suitable for Adam. The key here is ... suitable... (gotcha! you thought I was gonna say helper didn't ya!!!) So how could Eve had been suitable to be Adam's helper if She were a better at tending and keeping the Garden than he were?? That's what we have alot of now adays, we have alot of men who would be suitable to be their wives' helpers, who want to be treated like they are boss. It can't work! Hence, %50 divorce rate. It's hard to respect a man who doesn't have the capability that you do. Why is that a problem? (Besides the word of God?) Men are hard wired to desire respect from their spouses. If she doesn't respect him and treats him like her helper, he's gonna resent that and try to assert his testosterone in some other way (Hence %50 divorce rate)

    Ok,I'm sounding too preachy, you guys are falling asleep. If, the princess in the story married the pauper and respected and trusted him enough to treat him like he was the king of the land, and did it, perhaps there'd be a chance. But that's not real life, the pauper is a pauper because he and all of his peeps for generations have thought and acted like paupers. She's a princess because she and all of her peeps for generations thought and acted like royalty. Even if she tried to treat him as the king of the land, she'd be watching and kringing at the decisions he was making, and if she could keep that charade up she'd most likely be running around fixing the things he left broken through out the land and in essence letting people know that he's a buffoon. But wait there is another scenario that I forgot to mention, the "ideal" they can work together and she can teach him the ways of kingship. But,as was stated before, he and all his peeps for generations have thought like paupers, so he'll act like a pauper and look at her like "what? What'd I do?" And either he'll get tired of her training him to do some thing unnatural to him, or she'll get tired of him never learning that should be common sense and bitterness will ensue (Hence %50... Aw, you get the point!)

    So, what should women do, exactly what they have been doing, look for men they can respect, admire and help. (not save, help) Respect and admire, doesn't have to mean income, it depends on where you are in your life.

    What should men do? (me included) Become someone respectable and admirable to the type of woman we are attracted to so that when we get with her she'll be suitable for us. We gotta stop up shopping!! (Whoa, what was that a wrench? Don't hate fellas, it's true!!) Or, (for the lazy at heart) we can do what some men have been doing, and go to the hood rats and hoochies and wife one of them. They may not have much class but they will respect and admire you as long as you are a below average to average man!!

    So yes, leave Rae-Rae for La'queetuh, unless Rae-Rae comes from a family of Raymonds and he's just fronting because he's going through something, but his credit is tight and his house is in order, and his hygiene is what's up. And foget about that "Goes to church from time to time" business, if he loved you would he come by your house ... from time to time? No he'd be there every... (Night/Day/Sunday/week/month/year circle one. lol)


    Ok, summary, we cannot get past how we were designed. There is a double standard because there are multiple roles, two people can't carry a table from the front. One got to be in front and one got to be in back.

    ------And now back to your regularly scheduled ambiguity, already in progress------

    By Blogger Hurricane Dean, at 8:57 PM  

  • "Baby I see you working hard I wanna let you know I'm proud to let you know that I admire what you do.
    The more if I need to reassure you my life will be purposeless without you(yeah)
    If I want it (got it)
    When I ask you (you provide it)
    You inspired me to be better, Challenge me for the better so back and let me pour out my love letter.
    Let me help you take off your shoes, untie your shoe strings take off your cuffliks.
    What you wanna eat boo let me feed you, let me run your bath water whatever your desire I'll aspire you.
    Sing you a song turn the game on I'll brush your hair Help you put your do rag on.
    Want a foot rub(yeah) you want a manicure
    Baby I'm yours I wanna cater to my boy!"

    By Blogger Khristi Lauren, at 9:21 PM  

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