Ontology

Having a not so mid life crisis. (Ebonee had one last week) Watching Sex in the City. Laughing very hard. Feeling bad about laughing really hard at sex jokes. Knowing nothing about it. But a little more than something about it. Protecting myself from the inevitable. Hurt. Disappointment. Fears. Pretending to be invincible. And you believe me. Haven’t cried in months. Wondering if I’m worshipping the same God that I did last year. Getting close to you. But not too close. Producing a play. Afraid of producing a play. Wanting the fairytale. Not believing in the fairytale. Disdaining the fairytale. Watching your kids. Being the mentor. Wishing I could really be all that you think I am. Has moved on. Controlling the situation. So that it doesn’t control me. Sad today. Hopeful about tomorrow. No plans for the future. Faith journeying for the first time ever. Wanting to go far. But not too far that I lose God. Hoping that I haven’t already. Wanting my wants taken into account. Thinking about your prophecy. Wishing you could read my mind. Aspiring to be some…thing. Competing with myself. I’m winning. I’m losing. Getting ready to eat Cheerios. Not hungry. Don’t know where to go in the Bible. Do know that Christ resurrected. Confused by your ignorance. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Wondering what my life would be like if I never met you. Tired of church. Going to bed early. Having a not so mid life crisis.