15 Degrees Less Than Agonizing

Maybe God is trying to teach me a lesson. Or of course, the obvious one of there actually being something within yourself that needs purging. What is blatantly obvious to me is that in the end, the overall theme here is that something needs to be done with me. Period. It's these awkward relationships with individuals around me that has me thinking. And the common denominator in them all is that there is some sort of conflicting trait(s) that continues to surface that just knaws as me to no end. In the past it was easy. I chose who I wanted to be around, when I wanted to be around them, and if we just didn't click, I had no difficulty in courteously being the first to accept defeat. "It was really nice trying, but this just isn’t going to work. See you around?". And keep in mind this extends throughout traditional friendships to romantic relationships to working with bosses and co-workers and any and everything else that requires some sort of joining. Relationships will always require work. For me they always have. But never, never did I feel like from the moment I wake up, till the moment I go to sleep, every corner I turn, additional exertion will be required to maintain and preserve the sanctity of these relationships. It's all so overwhelming. Some of them are new, some of them are old, but what I can take no credit for is that I chose any one of them. Because in the end, I am no longer in control of even the very simplicities of these relationships in my life. And in the end, what apprehensions that are presented before me is ultimately my fault because I have made a conscious decision to submit every area of my life to God and regrettably for my soulish area, this is just one of those that I forgot was included. My flesh doesn't like it. It's uncomfortably laborious and about 15 degrees less than agonizing. Maybe when my flesh has been excised enough, I'll be able to perceive how my spirit feels about it. Until then, I burn.