A S H A M E D

**to the one who struggles, the one who cries, the one who shames and the one who hides.**

Is my living in vain?

Is my giving in vain?

Is my singing in vain?

Is my praying in vain?

You don't see my struggle.

You don't see my pain.

You don't know the years i've had to sustain

and maintain

my sanity

down on my knees begging the Father please

Please take this away!

you're ashamed?

so am I

the nights I had to cry

wondering why I caught the plague that God disdains

I

AM

ASHAMED!

"love the sinner, hate the sin"

i've heard that time and time again

from hypocrites that look like you

everybody plays the fool

when it comes to me

and my sexuality

blissful ignorance to my face

wondering if you should hate or embrace...

me.

Khristi World News

Yesterday was the opening day of Picasso at the Lapin Agile. I’ll have to admit that my earlier predictions were false. Yes, rehearsals have been torture. 6hours here. 8 hours there. When I heard the first few laughs the first few minutes of the show, I remembered, “Hey this is a comedy by Steve Martin. Hey this is a funny show”. People were laughing hysterically at random stuff. I was pleased.

But you know, my mom tries to make me feel guilty when she calls me at work with her, “Well hello there” phone calls, indicating that I’m never home. When I do get home they’re sleep. When I wake up, they’re gone. I missed my little sister’s big taco dinner the other day and I felt bad, so I wound up sleeping in her room with her. Well, actually, my basement is too junky for habitation and I need a place to bunk until I’m home long enough to clean it up.

I have a personal assistant. We really didn’t plan for it to be that way, but I do. Zaire comes to help and volunteer at the center. She talks to me in my office when I’m bored. She’s assisting in this Picasso show and playing a small role. She helps me at JAM. If I’m on my way somewhere she always remembers if there’s anything I forgot. She finishes my sentences and thoughts when I’m business and ministry brainstorming. Last week I told her that as soon as she graduates and DLG has taken off financially, I’ll start her at 30k as a full time. I’m so serious.

Franklin Prom is on May 6th. Okay, okay I’m 23 years old and I’m looking forward to the Franklin Prom. But if you don’t know me, I’m extremely close with the teens at the Center and from JAM. So much to the point that my boss let me take a half-day for that day so that I can chauffer one of the girls around to get her hair and makeup done. After which I’ll hit the promenade circuit by 4:30 so that I can watch the kids walk the red carpet while I scream like a madman. Plus all my homies will be home and they’ll be there too.

DLG Productions 1023 501c3 application has been sent off. That was the longest application ever in life. But DLG is so ridiculously official now. We even have an application for individuals or organizations that want to apply. We have a constitution, bylaws, staff and a board of trustees.

I’m looking for a roommate, cause there’s no way I’m staying on campus. Long story. But of course the Plainsboro area, West Windsor and Hamilton look pretty decent. I don’t want to be too far away from the church and the center, but at the same time, I don’t want to be too far away from school. I have a few months to handle it all.

I met up with Marvin at F.I.T. to see Plantanos and Collard Greens last week. I figured I’d give him a shoutout in the World News. Interesting piece of ensemble they delivered. We wound up re-depicting it as a dramatic discourse of the social and political aspects between Hispanics and Blacks past, present and future. Because otherwise, it would have been recognized as a play and that’s just not what that was that we saw.

Pastor Matthew will be up here in Philly in June for the Sexual Healing Conference. Registration is free. Hello? Did you hear me? Registration is free. Take advantage. Working on his Marketing Plan has been pitiful, because I haven’t been. Why did I agree to be his Marketing Manager? Truthfully, not because I have the time, but because he’s i’ll be there to ride the bandwagon when it leaves the stable.

Oh yeah, I received the Editor’s Choice Award from Poetry.com for Remember Lorie. I was humbled. She was a really great person.

And you know, Christ’s unconditional love, grace and unmerited favor continues to sustain me as I venture through this world of humanistic individualism, and proclaim the absolute truth of His gospel through every...yes, every endeavor. (-:

to be continued...

Fingerprints

Religion. Religion Awards. Religion & Culture. Religion Online. Religion influencing political vote. Religious Television programming. The American Academy of Religion.
It’s interesting to me that when people mention religion, they’re more than likely mentioning Christianity. And i’d have to say that 60% of the time when one uses the term religion, they are referring to Christianity and there is some sort of negative undertone. The reason being, because when religion is used in a negative light, then it’s because those individuals are slighted at the absoluteness of that particular religion, in which Christianity has made more noise through our televisions and street corners as conclusive. The others are forms of religion too, but society has accepted them with a deeper embrace because of their positive undertones alluding to subjective standpoints. They’ve deemed them not to be religious, but spiritual. Just as careful and good-natured as Gospel has turned into Inspirational.

Why has the word Religion and Christianity run synonymously? Is it because Christianity is looked upon as a Religion? But then it is a form of religion, but not the essence of religion because there are in fact, other religions. Anything based on some sort of doctrinal stance or perception of God can been seen as a form of religion. So then in that case I’d concur that I can understand why one would associate me with being “religious”, although the term alone when used equivalently with Khristi makes me itch. Maybe it’s the standard that I’ve been taught through my relationship with God. The standard of absolute truth that attacks postmodern thought that religion so often alludes to in the broad categories that define it. Religion for the Christian has turned into church, which in turn has turned into a pastime, liken to basketball practice or a yoga class or a pep rally. The interesting thing is that God minus religion still equals God. Me minus church still equals child of God. Although I do attend church, but for the very same reason that CS Lewis concluded that the fellowship of the body and teaching are vital because they serve as reminders as to the substance of our faith. In the world in which we live, reason would make us unstable, therefore the church service, which should be identified as the worship service, becomes an important factor. Christ wasn’t just spouting yet another complex phrase when he called us, the body of believers and the children of God, the Church. The Holy Spirit lives in you. You are the temple and the sanctuary of God. Beautiful and poetic in tone, but essential in shaping our identities. God’s intentions are to get us back to how we were created. My identity therefore is not in religion, or in First Baptist Church, or in my doctrine or my school or even my parents for that matter. I am a human being with the same equivalence that I am a child of God, thanking God for the grace and opportunity to receive Jesus Christ through a mere step of confession that would embark me on a journey to self-discovery that can only come through Elohim.
Maybe it’s the extremist in me. But yes, I am offended when you call me religious: But silently. The naivety of the world’s reason has forced you to place me in a category. I don’t blame you for the association. But keep this in mind: I am who I say I am. These are my fingerprints.

The Available to All PH.D in Selflessness

Supportive Friendships vs. the Responsibility of a Demanding Relationship

Do yourselves a favor: Learn the difference. I am by no means an expert when it comes to relationships, but I do consider myself having a slight advantage with my array of very close male friendships that constantly enlighten and persuade me regularly. There is a language barrier between men and women that has yet to be comprehended because it has yet to even be recognized as a plausible distinction.

Usually, without even recognizing it, men require a certain display of affection as demonstrated through a common friendship. There is a trust and an understanding of a certain type of security that needs to be developed. For the man (the straight man that is), the entirety of this will not come through the limits of a male to male friendship. However, it only seems probable that if this is to come through a male to female relationship, then that relationship can in no way be platonic. Therefore, the male feels it necessary to get into a romantic relationship with the female. After a while, the male continues to give what he knows how to give, all the while receiving very little, if any of that supportive friendship that grows to the affectionate trust that he desires. Instead he has yet another responsibility of a demanding relationship. Then comes retreating time ladies and gentlemen. Men will always pull back when they feel smothered. Always. They feel smothered because of the female who is seeking affection, love, security and trust through other means that most of the time will be in a romantic, call me when you get home, who were you out with last night, how come you don't tell me you love me, hold me, kind of way.

Girl A is becoming to be good friends with Guy B. They are so close in fact that Girl A is having a hard time distinguishing her feelings for Guy B. She automatically assumes that these feelings that she has for him, means that she must do something about it. She holds back for a little while, but her female nature and mental transformation, automatically takes her from the state that she was previously in, to another that is strikingly similar to that of the "girlfriend". She becomes upset when Guy B confides in her about his most recent girlfriend. She makes obvious insinuations of jealousy and Guy B can feel the heat. As their friendship goes on, Girl A's calls to Guy B increase. Guy B becomes uncomfortable and is reading a strange communication from Girl A that frightens him. He pulls away from her.

Sometimes, as in Guy B's case, men have trust issues and other issues that'll stem from rough family backgrounds or other mode of events that may result in the way that they perceive and function in relationships. Girl A has got to keep this in mind. The last thing Guy B needs right now is for her to start acting like a crazy girlfriend leaching from him the little life that he feels he has to hold onto. That may seem extreme, but Guy B thinks that way. Girl A's next step is to remain right where she is and not act impulsively on feeling. One day Girl A and Guy B may get together in a romantic relationship, but at this point, they need to build on a strong foundation of friendship if their romantic relationship will ever be a successful one.

Guy D and Girl C have been dating for a while. Guy D really likes Girl C and he's actually a good boyfriend. But Girl C is trying so hard to hang onto Guy D that she constantly mood swings and constantly nags him. She says things like, "Did you miss me? Well, did you?" all the time. Girl C demands that he constantly display affection non stop so that she can feel better and more secure about their relationship. Now when we're on the phone and I mention the name Girl C, he says things like, "Shhhh, she might hear her name and call me." Guy D feels the demands and obligations of a relationship, instead of the carefree support of a friendship.

It seems as if Girl C has some problems with security in relationships. Guy D needs to continue to be patient with her if he wants this thing to work. But really, in all actuality, I think Girl C needs to come to some self-realizations on her own before continuing on in this relationship.

What will it take for a man and a woman to understand the others gender responsive linguistics? SELFLESSNESS. I think that in the end, when the romantic part of the relationship comes to fruition, there will not be even one thought of the words, "demanding" and "responsibility", because it will all come naturally. Guy B won't be calling Girl A because he feels obligated too, but because he just simply wants to. Girl C won't smother Guy D, because she'll be secure in herself and in him. Now this blog may be a bit gender biased, but that's only because I'm a woman who happens to be writing the article from a woman's perspective. I'm trying to help the brothas' out, because they're silent push aways and distant fall off's are going unheard. Now granted, it will take a bit of work. I'm not saying that one won’t have feelings for the other that extend beyond brotherly and sisterly love. The beauty that will come through this is the awareness of these feelings, but the selfless act of not acting impulsively and selfishly on them. On the other hand, you must not act on the feelings, but on the selfless respect that you hold for that person. What's selfless is saying that a romantic relationship is not what Guy B needs right now, so I will sacrifice and give this part of myself up for the other and for the total outcome of a healthy relationship.

Now do you see why I dislike the term "boyfriend"?

**NOTE: This does not apply to all. Some men are just triflin'.

50 Confessions of a Not So Middle Aged Drama Queen

1. I am always up for a good challenge.
2. My name was supposed to be Khristina.
3. I’m glad that they changed their mind.
4. But the spelling they kept.
5. And then decided to name my cousin, Khrystina.
6. I was slightly offended by that at first...the similar spelling that is.
7. Does anyone know when the next live Mint Condition concert is?
8. I wait for the day when Prince knocks on my door to tell me about Jehovah’s Witnesses.
9. For 2 obvious reasons of course.
10. Yes, I have a strange infatuation with Prince.
11. But you’ll find that I’m not the only one.
12. I have "a way" with gay men.
13. Lack of Communication and Unresponsiveness are pet pieves.
14. I become very uncomfortable with Disorganization when it comes to business or ministry.
15. I try and stay away from movies like Purple Rain and the Mask of Zoro after 11pm.
16. Confidence will always win me over.
17. I can drink gallons of Revive Vitamin Water and Arizona Green Tea.
18. I’m attracted to dry humor.
19. I have a small crush on Mos Def, but he’s a 5%-er.
20. I am a serious extremist.
21. I hate the word “boyfriend”.
22. I am not easily impressed.
23. I put on one-man Fantasia and Stevie Wonder concerts to annoy my friends.
24. I have a tendency to take competitiveness to a whole other level.
25. I was once cornered by 5 K-9’s and simply prayed and told then to “go” and they left.
26. That’s a true story.
27. The devil really hates me.
28. I currently have 7 professional titles.
29. I very rarely wear flat shoes.
30. I really miss Virginia.
31. That’s where Titus made me laugh so hard, I almost got kicked out of job orientation.
32. He can really sing.
33. Will someone please leave me speechless?
34. except for whatshisname.
35. I am a sucker for an educated man.
36. But even more of a sucker for an educated man that loves God.
37. I hate excess grammatical errors.
38. I aspire to be a college professor,
39. and have a flourishing, edgy Christian Production Company,
40. and write a few books,
41. and maybe a few more plays,
42. and teach God’s word throughout the world,
43. and adopt a few kids,
44. and have a few of my own,
45. and I’ll be an excellent wife,
46. and maybe coach a girls basketball team.
47. Even though I can be indecisive
48. I’ve accomplished all but one thing that I had in my 3-year plan.
49. My degree is right around the corner.
50. I don’t know how the songbirds did 100 of these.

Man of God

Called beyond the standards of normal, to exceed the limits of greatness. That's you...Yes, you. Fearfully, wonderfully made and sculpted to perfection in the image of the Most High God. You are personified perfection hiding between the walls of average. Proudly boasting and defining yourself by time…fading time…ending time. I wonder about you. I wonder at you. Beautiful man of God. Who told you that you were not the picture of splendor and the perfect illustration of God's brilliance? Love visits you daily. Grace covers you nightly. You are a prince well deserving of a king's inheritance. You can do anything. You are better than the pain that lusts after you. You've been designed to finish the race as the victor. It's your race. It's your reward. Why are you still running? Running from who you are. You are exceptional. You're called sit among dignitaries and priests. Your influence is contagious. When you speak, the power of your words is made evident among the nations. Your compassion is selfless and your love is awaited. When you pray, He listens because you are His son. He hears you. He loves you. You will live and not die, rich in the weight of glory that proceeds you. I am amazed at who you are. I am amazed at who you will become. They won't be able to stop you. Your mind is too advanced for mediocrity. You weren't designed to fail, so you won't. You will achieve what it is that you were put here for. You will conceive from the depths of the creative ability that you were given. And it will spring forth as your children and call you blessed. And your offspring will multiply righteousness throughout the earth…and He'll be pleased. He is pleased with you already.

Quote of the Week

"Everytime I see them, they're telling me how much they like my sweater or my shoes. I am more than just a sweater. I am a human being, with feelings. If you get to know me, I can be kinda funny. I am not just a pair of shoes!"
Andre

The Right Perspective

Who, but Teri Schiavo herself would have the right perspective on her very own case? Consequently, the fate of this young woman has had to be in the hands of her husband, her legal spokesperson, with very little influence of her parents and siblings. For the past several weeks this story has been the headline of every major newspaper and every major television news story. The he said she said-ness of the competing parties mixed with political and judiciary intervention has journalists squirming in their cubicles. What amazes me are their interviews of street persons, attempting to get opinions on her life and the case. They ask these common, everyday people, thinking that by diversifying their gender and color, they have diverse opinions for a justifiable article.

So I asked Amanda.

Amanda McNeil is an 18-year-old student who has lived her entire life with cerebral palsy and hydrocephalus, which is a deficiency with the brain and the body.

Amanda, what do you think about how the entire thing went down?
It was wrong. But I don’t think that she would have wanted to be like that for 15 years. I don’t want to be like this, but I am. She needed the feeding tube to function.

But what about her husband saying that she expressed to him that she wanted to die or would have in that situation?
She had no control over it. He should have just let her pass on without intervening with the doctors. I saw her on t.v. and she was alert, but not there. I feel so bad for her parents ‘cause they had no control over the courts.

What if it was you?
I would want to die peacefully without people messing with me and torturing me. I think that by starving her, it was worse.

Anything else you want to add?
There was a point in my life when I needed a feeding tube. I was a little like her…not walking, not talking. Then my step-dad came and helped me a lot and I got better.

Do you think that, that could have happened with her?
No, after 15 years it was a little late. To be like that for 15 years and then now to pull the plug…now that’s just sad. But, at the hospital where I go, the kids are like her, or worse off; they’re barely there. There are plenty more people in the world like that. Should we starve them too? They told my mom that I wouldn’t live past a day. Look at me now, 18 years later.

After a ½ hour of enlightening conversation with Amanda, I drove her to the hair place where her mom was. As I helped her out of the car, I couldn’t help but notice the crowd of onlookers staring at us as we walked down the street. And then I realized: No matter what Amanda, or any people who live like her think of themselves and think of the world, the world will always think of them as inhuman.

Not Mine...Lewis'

"Now faith, in the sense in which I am here using the word, is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods. For moods will change, whatever view your reason takes. I know that by experience. Now that I am a Christian, I do have moods in which the whole thing looks very improbable: but when I was an atheist I had moods in which Christianity looked terribly probably. This rebellion of your moods against your real self is going to come anyway. That is why Faith is such a necessary virtue: unless you teach your moods ‘where they get off’, you can never be either a sound Christian or even a sound atheist, but just a creature dithering to and fro, with its beliefs really dependant on the weather and the state of its digestion. Consequently one must train the habit of Faith.
The first step is to recognize the fact that your moods change. The next step is to make sure that, if you have once accepted Christianity, then some of its main doctrines shall be deliberately haled before your mind for some time every day. That is why daily prayers and religious readings and church going are necessary parts of Christian life. We have to be continually reminded of what we believe. Neither this belief nor any other will automatically remain alive in the mind. It must be fed. And as a matter of fact, if you examined a hundred people who had lost their Faith in Christianity, I wonder how many of them would turn out to have been reasoned out of it by honest argument? Do not most people simply drift away?"
- an excerpt from "Mere Christianity"

I Speak Sacrifice Through Affordable Interruptions

I have 10 minutes to talk about interruptions before my next interruption. So family, I’ve always been a strong believer that interruptions are things that we just can’t afford...i think especially as Christians....and especially as extremists. (if you so happen to fit into those categories) Albeit, I continue to hold strong to my beliefs, even though at this point, I have concluded that there is a such thing as an affordable interruption. Let me define. An interruption is something that seeks your attention that does not already fall into your normal routine. Routine of living, routine of thinking, routine of feeling, routine of working etc. etc. etc. For example, personal change is clearly an affordable interruption. It may not be easy or even pleasurable, however in the end, you, as an individual, benefit the most from change. An affordable interruption needs to be a wise decision on the part of the receiver. For myself, at the stage i’m in, in my life, an interruption is an automatic investment. So as weird as it may sound, I see just about everything as stock. Even if I decide to hang out on the weekend in Philly with some friends, it’s ultimately adding to the stock of my own social therapy, which in the long run, will keep me sane, in light of my other responsibilities. This is exactly why I don’t frivolously date. It’s an investment that has to be worth investing into. If you’re going to be interrupted, at least have put some good thought into it. And in the end, if it doesn’t work out, it’s not a failure of your own, but however, a bad investment...a plummeted stock. But be assured in knowing that you were confident in your decision after consciously deeming that an affordable investment. Because I am an extremist, I have to multi-task to avoid overworking and overexertion in one area. Because I multi-task, my interruptions are few and far between. Iit was just two weeks ago when I was confronted with the question “Are you sure you can handle this?”, in regards to my most recent decision to begin the outset yet a new affordable interruption. And truthfully, when making the decision to invest, one won’t be so confident in knowing the outcome. Yet another reason for assurance in your decision and on the other hand what lies ahead of you is the possibility of a potentially fruitful outcome. But Be Careful. Interruptions should not be burdensome. They should absolutely not steal your peace. You should have a heart for your interruption and the potential for a growing passion. Why even this blog is an interruption in my day full of constant events. Nevertheless, I have a passion for writing, and if that means being interrupted, then i concede. Furthermore with every interruption comes some sort of sacrifice. But sacrfice is not far from my language. I speak it rather often.