Mistaken Identity

We were married young. I remember feeling like it was something that we all had to do. It was our life. I didn’t know much about it...marriage that is. I knew based on other marriages around me. Some of them failed, but some remained together. I loved Him because I was reminded time and time again about just how much He loved me. And someone also told me that He’d never leave me or hurt me or betray me. And I believed them, so I believed Him.
Then I got left.
Then I got hurt.
Then I was betrayed.
What hurt the most was that I believed it. I believed Him. I stayed with Him though. But afterward, it was evident that we both had separate lives. I was stuck. And I wanted out.
There was a stranger in my house.
So I mentally divorced Him. But I remained religiously committed to the motions. But I remember that night. That night I heard Him for the first time not coming through someone else.
“Intimacy”.
“What?”
“Intimacy”.
“Huh?”
“In-to-me-see”.
And we became one. And we were finally married. And I finally realized. This was more than any one person could ever tell me or show me or preach to me.
My Husband was not a stranger. My Husband was not my enemy.

DO IT GIRL!

Soul sistas, if I had allowed it, I would have hated on you long ago. But instead, i’ve decided to take the atypical route and embrace my admiration for you...my sista’s.

Soul Sista #1 - Eva

You gave America’s Next Top Model it’s rebirth. Now I have to admit, I wasn’t vying for you from the beginning. But as time went on, you evolved into my most preferred. You said from the beginning that this was a competition and you came to win. And you did; In the hearts of the judges, and in the hearts of most black women in America who don’t mind a little confidence and attitude. I mean, just the fact that you only had a short stint on Kevin Hill, when the word got out, even those black women who despise the show had to subside and flip on UPN for that hour on Wednesday night...even if we didn’t listen and had no idea what the plot was.

DO IT GIRL!

Soul Sista #2 - Kelly Rippa

I’ve never been too much into the whole “America’s Sweetheart” surge, but what I am into is fashion, and girl, you’ve proven yourself acceptable. Yes, a high heel is my best friend. Yes, a long boot high heel is even better. Kelly, you can wear a shoe. And your outfits are okay too. Just the mere fact that you can wake up as early as you do and host that early morning show and still manage to look like it’s 10pm and you’re ready for a night on the town is an A+ in my book. Bravo from evolving from the after school special look from your All my Children days. Oh and not to mention that fine husband of yours, Mark Consuelos.

DO IT GIRL!

Soul Sista #3 - Fantasia

I mean come on, what were the odds of me buying an American Idol’s CD. Zero if this were a few years ago...even though I like Ruben and Kelly both. But, after Whitney took a mental retirement, I got tired of “It’s Not Right, But it’s Okay” and “Just One Of Those Days”. Now I can still get my Whitney through “If you don't want me then don't talk to me. Go ahead to someone else. If you don't want me then don't talk to me. Go ahead and free yourself.” And not to forget the biggie of it all: I hear you have just signed as a spokesperson for MAC Cosmetics. (sigh) I think we all know how I feel about MAC.

DO IT GIRL!

I will hold you all near and dear to my heart as I continue to develop my very own fashion chic and technique. Then maybe one day someone, (other than my teens and those tryin to holla) will be able to say to me...

DO IT GIRL!

Ebonee's Quote of the Week

"You know, the only thing I wish that my church did have is a singles ministry. I mean, it's not like i'm looking for a husband or anything, but i'd like to meet some people in my age range....Please don't put that on your website...Khristi i'm serious....We won't be friends.

Reflecting on A Pilgrim's Regress

I. Intro Summary

As John continued to struggle with the rules that the Landlord had given, he had somehow managed to wander off into the wood to escape the harsh realities set before him. He loved the wood. But most importantly the wood gave him a sense of expectancy for through a window in the wood was an island of peace and tranquility and better than that, no rules and no Landlord. The wood was great, but there was something that he was sure the Island could give him, that the wood didn’t have. John would sit in the wood and try very hard to imagine that island with hopes that one day he would be able to go there.

II. Excerpt from "A Pilgrim's Regress"

"But no feeling began: and just as he was opening his eyes, he heard a voice speaking to him. It was quite close at hand, and very sweet, and not at all like the old voice of the wood. When he looked round he saw what he had never expected, yet he was not surprised. There in the grass beside him sat a laughing brown girl of about his own age, and she had no clothes on.
‘It was me you wanted’, said the brown girl. ‘I am better than your silly Islands’. And John rose and caught her, and in all haste, committed fornication with her.
After that John was always going to the wood. He did not always have his pleasure of her in the body, though it often ended that way: sometimes he would talk to her about himself, telling her lies about his courage and cleverness. All that he told her she remembered, so that on other days, she would tell it over to him. Sometimes, even, he would go with her though the wood looking for the sea and Island, but not often. Meanwhile, the year went on and the leaves began to fall in the wood: Until now, as I dreamed, John had slept in the wood and woke up in the wood. The girl was still there, and her appearance was hateful to John: and he saw that she knew this and the more she knew the more she stared at him smiling....
‘I shall not come back here,’ said John. ‘What I wanted is not here. It wasn’t you I wanted, you know.”
‘Wasn’t it? said the brown girl ‘Then be off. But you must take your family with you.’
With that she put up her hands to her mouth and called. Instantly from behind every tree there slipped out a brown girl: each of them was just like herself. The little wood was full of them.
‘What are these?’
‘Our daughters’, said she. ‘Did you not know that you were a father? Did you think I was barren you fool? And now children,’ she added turning to the mob, ‘go with your father!’ "

II. Refective Question:
- -metaphorically speaking- -

As pleasurable as she was, did you think she was barren you fool?

The Silent Contractor

Try this. Try praying to the Lord without a split personality. Thanks Kai. I really needed to hear that. Because I realized that that is exactly what I do, in spite of my belief that I have surrendered all to God and that my will is His. That’s fabrication at it’s best. You know...when it sounds spiritual. I have always had a double agenda when it comes to God. It has been the spiritualization of those wants that has often time swindled me into believing that this was in fact, the ultimate plan of God for my life. So I go to Him in prayer as a silent contractor. I take my agenda to Him, my employer, in our private meeting in the night. It’s all laid out. All the while saying, “Not my will, but Yours be done!” Even while writing this, there is a part of me that objects as if this were all a false chronicle, defending my submission in all its mysticism. Yet, I may not say it and I may not even have to consciously think it anymore, but it’s there.

The plans.

MY plans.

The agenda.

MY agenda.

For a while I scarcely could comprehend why God places us in demanding situations and it can be so tremendously uncomfortable. We squirm. We whine. We complain. It’s because it never fit into our own agenda....Yes...that very agenda that we said was God’s..That One.

Personal Therapeutic Prescription

I have by far had the roughest week of 2005 thus far. And by the end of it all, I just needed a little therapy. A little personal therapy to ease some of the strain on my heart from aching and my mind from constant mull and contemplation. Personal therapy is your personal diagnosis. It's what you know you need in order to temporarily vacate the cares of this world and the millstones that weigh us down on our journeys to glory. I realized that I needed a quick prescription on Friday when the words "nervous breakdown" slowly became a daunting reality as I sat and stared at my computer screen at work..

*Something told me to call an old friend of mine.
Prescription #1 - The gentle sound of a voice of one who is non-bias.
He knows i'm not incompetent, but at the same time he knows that i'm not superwoman....so assuring. He sounded so concerned. Although I never told him what happened, it was his voice that alleviated some of the stress. And since there's no point in opening up any old closets, that was the extent of this particular conversation. But hey if you're out there, "Thank you."

*Remind me of the beauty of innocence.
Prescription # 2- My nephew and my sister
I love them. They are so happy even inspite of the hell around them. So I watched them smile all night and I was reminded.

*Hit the city.
Prescription # 2 - Thrift Shopping
Philadelphia is the best place to do this. Green Street in the Village is just too burdensome of a travel to me. Plus, since I lived in Philly, I know where all the hot spots are. There's nothing more therapeutic than to leave a store with 3 huge bags of clothes and you only paid $50.

*Hungry for culture.
Precsription # 3 - Kabaas
My favorite Indian restaurant in Philadelphia. I love to talk to the guys that work there. We always talk about India. I feel so cultured when I leave. No matter how superficially American it may sound.

*Cat Nap
Prescription #4 - Sleep
When I struggled with depression I used to sleep my problems away. When I got delivered, I still slept. Now I realize, it's just something I like to do, cause I don’t get enough of it. If you find yourself a person constantly on the go, when you have a day to rest…REST.

*Shop again.
Prescription #5- The Mall
Okay, I know I've mentioned shopping already, but thrift shopping alone isn’t very fashion smart.

*Quality Time
Prescription #6- Worship
Jesus…Lover of my soul…Jesus….the one that makes me whole. He promised that if we'd keep our minds stayed on Him then we would be in perfect peace. When all is said and done, church isn't my therapy, nor are the politics of religion or any other tangible element of Christendom. It's Jesus. It's our relationship.

Dad

whatever it was I went through
i just want you to know, I forgive you
spent my whole life blaming you
shaming you
defaming you
knew the fault
was in the vault of my heart
my vendetta the core
equating my issues with your
blissful ambush
that caught me off guard
producing a life plagued marred
with hate
no longer irate when Christ lit the lighter
igniting the forest fire of unconditional love
down on my knees

begging with pleas to forgive me
of my struggling disdain
you’re no longer the stain on my Egyptian sheets
starting a new trend
forgave you of sin
forgot that it all ever happened.
I no longer shame you.
blame or defame you
whatever it was i went through

i just want you to know, I forgive you

SOMA-PSYCHE-PNEUMA

Out of the exclusive audience intended for my Orgasm Spasms series, instead of finishing in threefold as anticipated, I decided to single you out. I have enjoyed our frequent conversations exchanging ideas with the other in poised manner. No personal jabs are thrown and most impressively, you’re not angry with me for being a Christian as many others have whined, making conversations near impossible to have. No, you’re not quite atheist, because as an atheist companion of mine once said, “You’re not a real atheist if you’re mad at God for not existing”. You’re not quite postmodernist, as you are not foolish enough to create for yourself a fairytale of a land far, far away where comfort is in the eye of the heterodox. No, you are a naturalist. And I like you...a lot. You’re damn near brilliant. Ooops! Did I say “damn”? Are you sure there are no hidden PhD’s in your back pocket?

As per our conversation earlier, the tri-part being of God is complex. But, so is the tri-part being of man. May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. I find solace in understanding the complexities of one God in three through the nature of the human being: Spirit, Soul and Body. Science has agreed that man is made of parts. Some argue just a soul and body and some will relinquish to the idea of there being a spirit too. Now, we know that the soul inhabits the mind, will and emotions. And the body...well, the body is just the body: a place for the spirit and the soul to exist. The spirit is complex, but we’re all aware that upon death, the body evaporates and the spirit, which inhabits our breathing and our living, and the soul go on. Our soul is not responsible for our breathing and our living. Our spirit man is primary because it is our foremost akin to God. And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. So, if God is in fact, a spirit, and we were made in that image, then our spirit man is the most like Him. Let’s not forget that God said, Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and that “Us” included the Son and the Holy Sprit. Therefore, our spirit, soul and body makeup is a direct reflection of them.

Friend, you’ve expressed to me time and time again, “I have no problems with Jesus. I understand why he was here and all of the things he did. My qualm is with God”. And I say that I think it rather interesting that you don’t have a problem with the Son, but you have a problem with the Father. I have diagnosed your case many times before. You have a problem with all fathers, and any type gender thrust. Hence, it is of no surprise of your vendetta against God the Father. Your case, as unique and independently thinking as you consider yourself, is typical. And your symptoms usually include;
a) rejection of God the Father
b) acceptance of Jesus’ message of hope and love
Let me briefly respond to “b”. Often time extremists, such as yourself, are so over analytical of life and its elements and so critical of Christianity, that when it comes to the substance of Jesus’ message, they become passive. Why is that? They take about 1/3 of His message and then throw it in the Christians face and play their best hand of what I call, the judgment card. Now is not the time to be passive. Let’s examine the totality of His message. To set those captive free. To expose darkness through the existence of light. And who are these captive and what is this darkness? Stop to ask yourself this as you continue to decree love and reception, because it is by those means that the latter part of His message has and will continue to be accomplished. Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.

So I consider WWJD and what I would do is what Jesus would do. I would dine with you and give you a place to lay your head. What man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? I would go to the ends of the earth with you or for you, because I love you with such passion and desperation. If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying? I would plead with God for your life in spite of your constant rejection and persecution towards us and weep for you in my garden in the early hours of the morning. They hated Me without a cause. I would devote my life to freeing you from slavery even if you crusade against me to stay. To heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives...recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed. All in the name of love, I would opt crucifixion for your salvation. And I have declared to them Your name, and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them.

Why Do You Love That Way?

I must have made You cry a million tears

Used enough mercy for a million years

You'd think by now Your grace would disappear

Guess that's why You called it love

You spread Your arms across eternity

You shed Your blood to buy my liberty

You fight for me with all intensity

With an undeniable love

How do You love that way

I need You to teach me to love that way

Why do You love that way

Whatever You do don't stop

Addicted to my selfishness and greed

Thinking my foolishness could meet my need

Pulled up flowers tryin' to make room for weeds

But it doesn't uproot Your love, I'm so crazy

You just correct me-try to slow me down

Rain on me softly when my leaves are brown

Resuscitate me when I hit the ground

So tenacious with Your love

I wandered and wavered a ship lost at sea

I treated Your mercy so frivolously

Yet an ocean of love You poured over me

Your love won't stop

How do You love oh Lord

Will You teach me to love that way

Why do You love

Whatever You do don't stop

By holding me, oh LordYou're showing me

By teaching me, oh Lord I plainly see

Your love indeed, it amazes me

Whatever You do don't stop

Why You would smile upon this broken man

It blows my mind I just don't understand

For the love I need is in Your nail-scarred hand

Whatever You do don't stop

by Fred Hammond

Khristi World News

**My brother has this bright idea of starting iansweredthecall.com up again. I mean, it hasn’t really gone anywhere, but the ministry collapsed over a year ago. Then it solely became a place to write a little something when someone felt led even if it meant that it took a few months to do it. Then I quit. I know he’s being led by the Lord and all, but how convenient for everyone to get all serious right around the time I get accustomed to blogging on anything. You can’t blog on anything on iansweredthecall. Strictly discipleship.

**I’m looking foward to the Once Upon a Dream project but starting this theater production company is turning into a real inconvenience...it just seems like everything I do somehow links back to the company. Take the Picasso play for example. I want to drop it. Especially since rehearsals interfere with Top Model. Did you hear me? I said, they interfere with Top Model. No, I don’t think you heard me. THEY INTERFERE WITH TOP MODEL!!!!!!!! Karma went bad when I let Ebonee know that I was dropping it for Wednesday nights. She seems to think (and so do I) that not only will this experience be beneficial for Once Upon a Dream, but the production company too. Of course that didn’t sway me much, but when she asked me who my master was, I just knew she was trying to throw me for a loop. So I said, “Top Model”, and she didn’t think that was very funny. So I stuck with the play.

**Speaking of Picasso and the Lapin Agile. I think Steve Martin wrote this play to torture me: A one-act play with no scene changes and full of dry humor. Rehearsals are torture and my director has often projected that this play will be painful. I agree.

**Here’s a dilemma. You have to teach 2 classes in which you have no time within your week to teach them. One class is a sort of prerequisite for the other class. What do you do? You make them into one class! I don’t know if this is pure guidance and creativity from the Holy Spirit or just plain laziness. I’m taking my Leadership Training class and making that 14 weeks. During the course of those 14 weeks, one of their projects is to come up with a curriculum and teach the other 6-week class called The Absolute Project that they took last semester. This way not only did I manage my time, but I don’t have to teach the second class. Perfect!

**I’m still praying about my new job as the Assistant to the Youth Pastor. What? After the initial meeting, my response was, “I don’t need a title to do what I already do.” When I originally took my job working at the CDC as youth specialist, Mike was my boss. Mike left 6 months ago and he’s still my boss. Whether he’s my boss at work or my boss at church, he will always be my boss because he’ll always see me as his subject. So please, don’t insult me with a title. It’s already frustrating as it is.

**I’m going to California again in March. Pastor Matthew’s not into the phone or the e-mail thing, so for his convenience, I save for a few weeks and have to travel 3,000 miles for a board meeting and just to get some good advice. But he assures me that as soon as LHWE begins to generate more revenue, he’ll pay me.

**I don’t sleep in my room much anymore. My room has turned into this sanctuary in which the Holy Spirit will communicate with me all...night...long. I get no sleep so I just sleep on the couch in my living room. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true.

**For some strange reason i’m not looking forward to Princeton at all. I’ll probably get there and throw my bags down and say, “Alright. Let’s just get this over with.” At least the seminary is far from the actual university. But I do look forward to the rush of theological academia and the challenge of sundry doctrine. That excites me.

to be continued...

Preparing to Deliver God's Word on a Full Stomach

Now I realize why I never do it. Here I sit, meditating on God's Word on a full stomach. I prayed a prayer on my way to picking up Baja Fresh. I said, "Lord, tomorrow let me preach so full off Your Word that I'm about to explode!" Then I got my Quesadillas. And now I'm stuffed. My spirit man attempting to levitate to the very state that my flesh has found comfort. And now I know why I always fast before I deliver God's Word. I suppose this wouldn't be so great an issue if I considered myself living a lifestyle of consecration. Oh don't get me wrong, I fast often. But, I got convicted when Creflo called it a hunger strike. A hunger strike. That seems to be exactly what I do. I strike from food while I complain about my job, cuss the next person out and ignore God. But I feel so much better after…I'm done striking that is. I feel so much better after…my conscience feels better that is. Like I just did God a favor. Hmmm…now I understand why my bible miraculously opened to Isaiah 58 the other day. Ha! Isn't that something?

Who's the Master?

Who's the Master?
Sho'nuff!
Who's the Master?
Sho'nuff!
Who is the Master?
Sho'nuff!

Oh man, this brings back memories. To this day the movie "The Last Dragon" still holds first place in my book. Released in 1985, "The Last Dragon" is a classic, African-American karate/love story about a young man named Bruce Leroy (a black version of the original Bruce Lee) who is in search of "the master" to obtain the final level of martial arts mastery known as the glow. Along the way he must fight the evil martial arts expert named Sho'nuff and an rescue a beautiful singer (Vanity) from an obsessed music promoter. During the course of his journey he runs into Sho'Nuff periodically who constantly reminds Leroy that Sho'nuff is the master. However in a heated battle between the two in the end, Leroy realizes that he was the master all along in which upon this realization, he begins to glow. One night the Holy Spirit asked me,"Who's the Master?" "You are!" I exclaimed. Again He asked, "Who's the Master?" "You", I said. He asked a third time, "Who's the Master?" "You. I think."

Romans 6:11-14 "In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."

Thinking in gray and white is a characteristic that perceivers tend to have and although I've never considered it to be a negative trait, it was at this fundamental lesson in my life that it worked against me. When I say gray and white in relation to the subject of mastery, I'm talking about God and the Devil. Nonetheless, it is still a common biblical understanding that according to Romans 8:1 we, as humans are governed under one law or the other. "For the law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and death". So, we have the law of sin and death which was brought forth through one man, Adam, that resulted in a universal law of sin. Then, we have the law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus, which through belief and confession of the one they call Christ, one is released from one law to falling subject to another law in Christ Jesus. From the previous statements we can then conclude that mastery in relation to humans, is inevitable. On that note it is also fitting to suggest that mastery has children…it has parts. Therefore for a perceiver personality like me I'll have to put aside my gray and white, God and the Devil position on life and consider it's elements.

John 10: 34 "Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin.' "

A master is someone that has complete control and ownership over another. Meaning, if you are subject to this mastery then you are not in a state to resist it's control over you. Thus, anything that you can't resist, is your master and you are a slave to that. I've realized that this can be anywhere from cigarettes to sex to anger and unforgiveness. Unforgiveness interests me the most, because there was a time when I chose not to forgive a particular person for years and years, and for year and years it dominated me, even when I didn't think it was. I would say I forgave, but wouldn't forget or that I moved on. But, it plagued me. I became a slave to it, because I couldn’t resist the bitterness. A friend of mine is struggling with a particular sexual sin and one day we had a conversation and he said, "You know what Khristi, I tried to live that life. And for years, I couldn't help but feel this way. So finally I just gave into it. And now I feel so much more freedom". What a cloud of deception he had fallen to, to believe that he was free to live in that form of bondage. He couldn't resist. He had to give in. I can't imagine feeling the weight of that much pressure so I pray for him. After that conversation ended, it was clear what his master was.

Romans 6:16 "Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey–whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?"

Unfortunately, there are those who are okay with being slaves to sin. The thing is this: If I, knowing that regardless of what I do, will be living under someone else's regime for my entire life, and have to make a choice as to which I will live under, even if this was the first day I have ever heard of Christianity, I would chose Christ.

Romans 6:19-23 "Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

My Top 5 Favorite Topics of Conversation

1. Jesus

2. The "Once Upon a Dream" Project

3. UPN's Top Model

4. Homosexuality

5. Prince

Runner Up: Interacial relationships and how it relates to the present day stratification model, slavery and psychology.

**no explanation necessary